we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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