I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
