Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
