I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. ðŸ˜
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with youâ€
Randomize
