Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
3 2 1 whiskey
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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