why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
