The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
i now understand why vodka
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
