some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
