If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
