I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
