I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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