dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
