I like to think it a success when the cops are called
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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