He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
