When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
