The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
