Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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