Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
