apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
