Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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