we have pet lesbian snakes
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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