do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
