remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
