I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
This is the high leading the old right now
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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