she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
