when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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