Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
