Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
