i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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