You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
