How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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