she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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