he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
