i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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