mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
