Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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