umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
