somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
