Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
