OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
