And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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