How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
