Yo dont text me then not text me
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
