Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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