i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Randomize
