You can't special order awesome
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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