You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
