I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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