hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
