I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
