i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
We don't watch enough power rangers
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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