this beer tastes like vomit already
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize