I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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