I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize