dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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