Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
