That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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