I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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