WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
