I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
there is puke in my bra ... again
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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