how can u be prego again
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Randomize
